Red Robin Gourmet Burgers

By Loki

As is my wont, I will start things out inappropriately. Red Robin, being a chain, is not really a Milwaukee restaurant. Additionally Paige and I visited the Southridge branch of this particular establishment, so it isn’t even in the city proper. That’s okay, though; Red Robin will provide both a good warm up for my cynical lambastions and stand as a wonderful counterpoint to the many other fine Milwaukee establishments.

Atmosphere

I was not exactly jazzed about visiting Red Robin from the get go. I had needed to go out to the suburbs to close a forgotten bank account, and the vast suburban desert that surrounded me had me feeling somewhat agoraphobic. Red Robin’s location did nothing to quell my unease. Situated on the outskirts of the Southridge mall, it is placed in the middle of an enormous parking lot that frames the building as some sort of sad, brightly colored Xanadu. Its proximity to an Applebees only served to remind me of my last visit to that culinary wasteland. On that trip, I learned the hard way that Applebees does not take kindly to vegetarians: they seem to presume that we can subsist on potato wedges [I thought it was portobello mushrooms...--Paige]. More likely, of course, they just don’t give a shit. The fact that Red Robin describes its menu as "Gourmet Burgers" had me anticipating a repeated dearth of options. Paige, however, assured me that they had veggie burgers, so I relented. [Note: I've had some good experiences with eating at Red Robin in Madison, so I had relatively high hopes. Also, I was starving. --Paige]

As we entered I noted Red Robin’s vast barn like dining area. I also noted the presence of some mysterious monitors embedded in the floor under our feet. These seemed to signify the general motif of the interior decorator: busy and unnecessary. The walls are plastered with all manner of posters and photos, seemingly culled from a college poster sale: Movie posters, French alcohol advertisements, and cute and cuddly photos shared space in no apparent arrangement. Someone had set a pop culture bomb in the center of the restaurant and it splattered all over in the most boring way imaginable. Adding to that feeling was the incessant inoffensive suburban malaise seeping out of the house speakers. We were treated to the sounds of Sarah McLachlan, Taylor Swift, and, of all things, the Backstreet Boys.

Needless to say, I was not impressed. Nevertheless, I expected nothing less. In actuality, Red Robin seems like a slightly toned down TGIFridays, or an upscale, less racist Cracker Barrel.

Service

Apparently most of Red Robin's clientèle have never actually been to a restaurant. The wait staff's attention borders on the condescending and they seem to find it necessary to describe in detail the intricacies of ordering from their one page menu. We received instructions twice, once from the hostess and once, in completely identical fashion, from the server proper. Additionally the hostess seems incredibly interested in your Red Robin provenance. "Is this your first time at Red Robin," she asked cheerily. "I've been here before," Paige responded. I remained cautiously silent. My lack of response was apparently taken as a negative because she went into the aforementioned instructions: "Our burgers are here!" she said, "And our drinks are here!" This isn't an Ethiopian restaurant lady; I get it, you have burgers.

Just in case we missed it though, we were given the same spiel by our pockmarked waitress. I was now well versed in the complicated process of choosing a burger and a beverage and so, with minimal difficulty we ordered.

One thing I must say about the service at Red Robin, they love to help you. They want to be friends with you. They want to sit in your booth and hug you. They don't, but behind their eyes you can tell that they either hate themselves for their complicated and obnoxious front, or are tremendously sad people. As we waited for our food the hostess took people past us and asked the identical question we were greeted with. Apparently if everyone in the party has been to Red Robin before, the logical follow up is asking them about their favorite dish. This was met with a grumbled, "Teriyaki burger," or something equally non-committal. "OH! Well if you like that you'll really like the..." the hostess would offer. "Harrumph," the customer would respond.

Besides the vocal excitement of the wandering hostess, our waitress also popped around asking us how our food was, if we needed anything, a refill on those fries? As for the drinks, she just gave us refills. Oddly she didn't actually remove our glasses to do this, instead she just gave us fresh glasses. Consequently we had about six glasses of varying emptiness by the end of the meal. We also had feelings of varying emotional emptiness.

I'm a cynical bastard, I know, but I anticipate, nay expect, nay long for a certain amount of exasperation and annoyance from the wait staff. I know you hate your job. Jesus, I hate your job. A certain amount of snarkiness is healthy in server-client relationship. When it's missing from the server side, I have to fill it in myself, and that can get unpleasant.

Food

Loki's Take

One thing I will say, Red Robin does have veggie burgers. Actually, in terms of a national chain, they make it fairly easy for vegetarians. Any burger can be substituted with a Boca burger. This is the way it should be done at burger joints. I understand it's usually presumed that you can just swap out any old patty for the veggie patty, but making this evident on the menu is really a step in the right direction for vegetarian happiness. Otherwise, I scan through the menu, a frown slowly puckering on my face. I realize that every choice is chock full of meat save the lonely Garden Burger in the corner of the menu (or even worse, Portobello Sandwich). As such, the menu was my oyster, so to speak and I chose the Sante Fe Burger. "Something amazing happens," the menu says, "when you combine a juicy burger seasoned with ancho, fire-roasted Poblano pepper, guacamole, sauteed onions, crisp tortilla strips, lettuce, Pepper-Jack cheese and Chipotle mayo. Mucho flavor, mucho good!" Well let's not get ahead of ourselves. First of all you need to replace "juicy burger" with fairly dry and not particularly appetizing Boca burger. I know I just went on and on about how wonderful it is to have the option of a veggie burger at these places, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to go apeshit when you plop a heaping hunk of meat flavored soy on my bun. A Boca burger just means, "pay attention to everything else we've put on here because the burger is boring as hell." Thankfully the toppings themselves were reasonably appetizing. I have no idea how it would be with a grease dripping gristle cake in there instead of my soy patheticness, but I was satisfied. I would also like to note that the somewhat dubious inclusion of "crisp tortilla strips" actually worked out pretty well. They added some much needed texture to the Boca burger and all in all it was a pretty good sandwich.

Before I turn it over to Paige for her take on her food, something needs to be said about the much talked about "bottomless steak fries." In addition to their ubiquitous cheer, the wait staff was insistent about advertising this feature of their dining establishment. The only problem is, fundamentally, I fucking hate French Fries. They're mashed up starch fried in sadness. I don't care what you do to them, how much crap you season them with, they're still so much crunchy goo to me. I used to like them, I don't know what happened. All I can tell you is, every time a plate of fries is stuck in front of me, my face falls, my shoulders slump, and a great sigh is heard across the land. The only thing fries are good for is dipping in Ranch dressing, but then again my finger works just as well and it costs less [That's what she said?]. Red Robin's fries are not the worst thing in the world, they didn't make me as sad as some fries do, and since they're so huge you could soak a lot of Ranch into them. I do question the value of "bottomless steak fries" though. They start you out with about five, which seems small until you finish them and feel like you want to die. This is not an offer that you want to test the limits of.

Paige's Take

As previously noted, I have been to the Red Robin in Madison on a few occasions and have enjoyed myself. It should be said that it was one of the better choices in a sea of suburban chains (my friend lives out in yuppie-ville, and sadly, even State Street is becoming yuppified), particularly since it provided ample opportunities for my friends and I to discuss inappropriate topics in front of families and small children. I generally find their burgers pretty tasty, although some of their accompaniments, "bottomless" fries and "onion towers" among them, are a little nausea inducing. On the day Loki and I went to Red Robin we were in a bit of a hurry; we were meeting friends for a Lakefront Brewery Tour on the East Side and wanted to eat before we started drinking at 1pm, and I thought it would be a better idea to eat out in the suburbs and let it digest than wolf something down before drowning it in a gallon of Riverwest Stein.

I'm not a vegetarian (though I'm not a huge meat eater, either), but since it was hot and I knew I would be imbibing heavy beer in an hour I decided to go with the Boca burger as well. I got a simple cheeseburger (bleu cheese) that came with lettuce, onion, tomato, and a rather tasty pickle relish. The toppings were plentiful although as Loki mentioned the burger itself was nothing special (a Boca burger is a Boca burger, whether from a restaurant or from your freezer). I will say that the times I've actually gotten a hamburger (either beef or turkey) at Red Robin, they've been pretty good. I opted not to go for the fries since we were getting a spinach and artichoke appetizer (see review below) and requested a salad instead. The salad was pretty sad: bagged iceberg lettuce salad covered with the ubiquitous tortilla strips. I took about a bite and gave up on it. The unbidden soda refills were nice, although I felt a little guilty as the waitress delivered us two full glasses just as we were getting up to leave. I agree with basically everything Loki mentioned above re: service and atmosphere, although it was pretty much what I was expecting (even if I hadn't been to one of their franchises before).

Round Up

**Spinach and Artichoke Dip Review!**

We decided to give the spinach and artichoke dip a try, despite the fact that the menu provides the following helpful tip: "Instructions: “Place in center of table and dive in!” Although it also promises a "hint" of bacon, Loki figured he could suck it up and focus on the "creamy, cheesy blend of artichoke hearts and spinach" instead. The dip is served with celery, tortilla chips, and "house bread" on the side, and as we dug into the molten lava-like spinachy goo we discovered that there was more than a mere hint of bacon present; as Paige noted, "That's a full-fledged clue!" Still, it was fairly tasty and the tortilla chips (bits of which were to be discovered later on Loki's burger and in Paige's salad) were crisp and salty. It gets a 6.5/10.

Other Factors:

Booze: We refrained from boozing, but we were right across from the oddly placed bar cubbie. A cursory glance at the advertised drinks, with names like the Fruity Boozie Daiquiri and the Nuclear Ice Tea, makes us think that this is where moms go to get a little wild.
Tattooed Waitstaff?: No (or at least not visibly)
Attractiveness of Waitstaff: 2/10 (given the enormity of the dining area, however, it is entirely possible that an Adonis was hiding somewhere)
People Watching Possibility: 3/10 (everyone in the restaurant when we were there seemed about as excited to be there as we were, creating a vast vacuum of fun. During busier times, like dinner or after High School football games, there may be more entertainment)
Veggie Friendly: Yes
Value for Money: Well, at least we left full [but nine dollars for a burger seems a little steep... even if it is gourmet -- Loki]
Acceptable Schlepping Distance: About a half a mile. Basically if you're in the area and are hungry you could do worse. But you could probably do better.

Overall Rating: 4/10

If your unadventurous suburban parents are visiting, and they've rolled their eyes and sighed at the various ethnic restaurants you've suggested, you may just find yourself saying, "Fuck it! We're going to Red Robin!" And then you'll all sit in a booth and be vaguely dissatisfied but at least you'll be satiated.