Comet Cafe

By Paige

Since Loki chose to start things off the wrong way by reviewing a chain, I decided to start things off right with an East Side institution: Comet Cafe. Several months ago when we were just joking back and forth about creating some sort of "grading rubric" for the various restaurants in the area, Loki noted that Comet would probably be at the top of the list, or at least a restaurant that others might aspire to become. You may have even recently seen it featured on "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" (AKA That Douchebag from the Food Network Shoves Diner Food Down his Gullet). So let's kick it off with the epitome of East Side Milwaukee hipster cuisine..."slow food" style.

Atmosphere

Comet's atmosphere is generally quite appealing: roomy booths, mural-covered walls, neon beer signs, and an old-school lunch counter greet patrons as they enter. Shiny espresso machines and coffee grinders cover the surfaces behind the counter; on the other side of the wall exists the bar area where the bartenders are kept busy shaking, stirring, and pouring libations. The overall atmosphere is warm and welcoming and things feel very laid-back and relaxed most of the time. The only real downside to Comet's layout is the fact that during busy times (particularly weekend brunch), there is nowhere to comfortably wait for a table. Patrons crowd around near the door or the sign-in sheet (on the lunch counter) and it's difficult not to feel like your butt is all up in someone's yogurt and granola parfait. During the occasional lovely day, people do have the option of milling outside the door. If you see this, be warned, you may have to wait a long time. Alternately, you can just shove your way to the counter which typically has a seat or two next to a sullen hipster. Be warned, however, if this is the path you choose, you'll probably end up with your coat balanced on your lap. The diner side only has stools, so there's no back to drape your ironic hoodie over.

One final thing, we have noticed, and no doubt will comment on extensively, is the fact that many Milwaukee eateries seem to have their soundtracks perpetually stuck on awful, featuring the most mind numbingly boring music you're likely to hear. Comet, however, does not have this problem. You'll usually find an appropriate mix of rockabilly, indie, and some good ol' rock and/or roll. Given the scummy diner feel of the place, and the scruffy but lovable appearance of the wait staff, you would expect nothing less. Or more.

Service

Service at Comet is pretty consistently good, unless it's very busy or there are a ton of people waiting for tables. On one occasion we were seated at the counter (a good option if you don't feel like waiting for a table, by the way) and it took almost 20 minutes for anyone to notice us and take our orders...and I think we barely got one refill on drinks. The waitstaff is as indie/emo/hipster as they come, all plastic frame glasses, side swept bangs, skinny ties, beards, and numerous visible tattoos on all areas of the arms and legs. There are a few people we've come to particularly enjoy at Comet, both for their adeptness at attending to our needs as well as their sheer desire not to be there. One particular fellow usually helps us when we're seated at the counter and while he's very attentive to our needs, often comes across as incredibly forlorn. Typically he seems to wander behind the counter in some sort of haze of ennui, his mouth slightly agape behind his bushy beard. He seems somewhat on the verge of crying and speaks in quite small letters. Do you, he mutters, know... what you want? We, being cynical a-holes, think it's hilarious. I believe we've dubbed him "Reluctant Guy."

Food

Paige's Take
Slow food, comfort food...whatever you want to call it, Comet's food is filling and usually just the right amount of greasy. Nearly anything can be made vegan or vegetarian, but if you're a carnivore you're in luck too--the chefs at Comet love them some bacon/bacon grease. The default side dish is hand cut French fries, which are good at first but after a few times eating them gets kind of old. I usually get a side salad instead (the ginger-wasabi dressing is really good) since the main dish has enough grease in it for me.

I've tried just about everything on the menu and most of it is good (the Leghorn sandwich and the artichoke melt are my favorites), although at this point a "successful" trip to Comet really depends on the daily specials for us, which can be hit or miss. We used to be all about going to Comet for weekend brunch; the breakfast burrito is enormous and really good, and the various egg/pancake/scramble dishes are equally filling, especially after being up late partying the night before. However, our brunch visits to Comet have decreased as of late due to the fact that the food is sometimes TOO heavy (especially after a late night of partying) and it's usually butts-to-nuts busy in there. Still, if you arrive early or late enough to beat the brunch rush, it's a good choice.

Loki's Take
I went over to Comet this past Sunday to refresh my memory on one of my old standbys: The Breakfast Burrito. This large hunk-a-hunk-a burrito love comes stuffed with eggs, cheese and pico de gallo. More importantly, though, it's topped with spicy sour cream and some damn good ranchero sauce. Once you shove the burrito into your maw, I highly recommend slopping the remaining sauce and sour cream all over the hash browns that come with it. I would often make the trip solo on lonely Sundays just to enjoy this cylinder of goodness, but, for whatever reason, I've forgone the trip for several months. So, just to give you as accurate of a report as possible, I took a hike over there and what I found was... well, just sort of okay.

This is perhaps the problem with Comet, at least for me, it's good and you'll find your favorites, but don't stick too close or you may just get burnt out. Thankfully, especially during dinner, they have enough of a variety to prevent this perfectly understandable problem from totally ruining the place. If you're a carnivore you double your choices as they can make pretty much anything vegetarian or vegan that isn't already. Even better, unlike some establishments, they go out of their way to varietize those vegetarian options. No Boca burger substitutes here, you'll get field roast, tempeh and all of those crazy vegetarian protein options that leave most meat eaters scratching their heads.

But let's talk about those specials for a moment. They run the gamut from seemingly adding a new condiment to a readily available sandwich to the most bizarre (and sometimes god awful) conglomerations of stuff that's ever come into contact with a plate in front of your face. Being adventurous/stupid I'll often pick up Comet's gauntlet no matter how fucked up it sounds (as long as it isn't so fucked up that it has animal parts in it). Some time ago they had a stack of pancakes with field roast in them... and motherfucking sauerkraut! Not only that, but they gave you some Thousand Island dressing to soak into it. It was disgusting... and awesome! That's the strange dichotomy of Comet. When the Food Network descended they pulled out all the stops and served an enormous burger served between two grilled cheese sandwiches. Did you just throw up in your mouth a little? Was it because that made you nauseous or was your stomach trying to make room in itself as quickly as possible? See, you don't know!

Comet exists in some strange alternate universe that we all half inhabit. Vegetarians swig beer and sit next to people that eat a whole basket of bacon. People swallow a huge tableau of grease with no regard for the concrete that is churning in their stomach. It is a place that only Milwaukee could love: apparently the vegetarians here are more existential than anywhere else. We don't not eat animals for any particular reason, we just don't eat animals. You've got a whole sow frying in the back, Comet? That's cool. Bring me my fried up field roast, I'm going to clog up my vegetarian veins with cholesterol.

Round Up

**Spinach and Artichoke Dip Review!**

Uh...I know we've had it here before but it was a while ago. I remember it being pretty good, but not that amazing, given the fact that we've never ordered it again. I'll give it a default 8/10. (If any of our readers would care to comment on the quality of the S&A dip, please do!)

Other Factors:

Booze: Yes! One of the best features of this place is their incredible (and often changing) beer selection. Not only do they have a great variety of craft and imported beer in bottles, but their drafts are often delicious and unusual (it's not just Miller Light here, ladies) and offer a great opportunity to try new things. The bloody marys are very tasty (and include bacon as well as a cute little Miller High Life shooter) but pricey--about $7 each. The "classic cocktails" ($3 on Tuesday nights!) are fun too--try a brandy old-fashioned or a Tom Collins alongside your tofu melt; Paige in particular enjoys these old man drinks.
Tattooed Waitstaff?: Duh (I'm not sure I've ever been able to find an employee here who doesn't have at least one visible tat)
Attractiveness of Waitstaff: 7/10 (They're not going to stop any traffic in New York, but these are the type of sassy servers that you want to get a strong beer with later. The women shift their weight to one side with a hand on the hip and say, don't fuck with me with a sly smile. The men are some rough and tumble scruff buckets with a sensitive side under their hipster exterior)
People Watching Possibility: 8/10 (Come for the hipsters; stay for the befuddled parents that were dragged in)
Veggie Friendly: Very... existentially.
Value for Money: Prices are, for the most part under ten bucks for an entrée and it's rare that you don't leave patting your burgeoning belly.
Acceptable Schlepping Distance: If you're off in the suburbs, Comet's probably worth driving into Milwaukee proper every once in a while because of their unique cuisine. Mostly, though, this best for those East Siders who wake up raccoon eyed and stumbly some velvet morning and need some good old slow food to sop up last night's adventures.

Overall Rating: 8/10