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Hotch-A-Do

by Loki Motive

Hotch-A-Do is a small café just off of North Avenue with a stupid name. I imagine it's a phonetic spelling of "How do you do?" but I've never met anyone who would think to say it like that.

Furthermore, I have a general distaste for naming your establishment a complete sentence. I resent being forced to integrate an independent clause into the question, "Would you like to go to...?" when a noun phrase would suffice. Unfortunately for me, I find myself saying "Would you like to go to Hotch-A-Do?" quite a bit. It doesn't matter how problematic the name is when the food they serve is this good. And, thankfully, it's a moot point anyway. Thanks to the pathetic service, Paige has done away with its annoying name, eternally dubbing it "Botch-A-Do" instead. Yet you still can't stay away? you ask. You bet.

Atmosphere

Hotch-A-Do sits nestled in between Cans douchebar and Sil's "alcohol sponge" donut Drive-Thru. Rather than integrating the drunken debauchery that surrounds it, though, it serves as nice little petite bourgeoisie respite. One wall of the establishment is taken up by three large pieces of modern art that seem to be made out of duct tape. But don't get the impression that this is some sort of Fuel-like tattooed hangout out. The atmosphere is much more akin to Beans and Barley, but even less inked. The decor is what is commonly referred to as "cute," though not overly so. Tiny pictures of pets in artsy craftsy frame dot the walls, and there's a comfy little couch corner that seems to simultaneously invite you to hang out with a cup of coffee thanks to its intimacy and discourage such activity thanks to it being sort of out of place. The only other item of hanging-out-with-a-group-of-friends is a rarely used shuffleboard table across the restaurant by the door. Since the couch nook and the shuffleboard exist at opposite ends of the restaurant, they seem to solely frame the establishment as a hanging out place. Most of the dining area is taken up with tables and booths that encourage you to sit down, eat and get the hell out of there. It's a small place and hanging out too long seems almost rude. The focus seems to be primarily on the eats. Hanging out takes place mostly in between you ordering and you getting food. Don't get the impression, however that the atmosphere is hurried as it is far from it. The aforementioned hanging out time is considerable thanks to Hotch-A-Do's... um... "unhurried" service.

Service

I went to Hotch-A-Do on Saturday all prepared to acquire a suitable anecdote to illustrate their Botchiness, but it appeared for a moment that I had been foiled. I ordered a Veggie sandwich and received it faster than I've received anything in my life. I hardly had time to open my book before my dish was brought out. It was as if it had been made before I even got there (a disturbing thought). Granted, the Veggie sandwich is not the most complicated meal: it simply consists of several different types of cheeses and condiments placed together in a appetizing harmony, but simplicity had not previously affected the speed with which I, or anyone I was aware of, received their food. Indeed, Hotch-A-Do has no qualms about taking their time. A sign near the entrance announces to customers that Hotch-A-Do's unique natural food takes some time to prepare and that patience is a virtue when it comes to quality. And they mean it. If you are planning a trip to the Botch, you should normally block out a significant amount of time. If you are going there with a large group you may wait upwards of a hour. Take a patience pill, this could get ugly. Normally Hotch-A-Do's service is akin to an autistic savant. They are good at one thing: food. They are problematic when it comes to social interactions. It's not that they're mean, they're just incompetent. Try to interact with them in a large group and you will probably overwhelm them. They'll most likely forget things and very well might shut down. The worst thing about the service, however, is how awfully pathetic it is. If the waitstaff was incompetent and rude, I could easily dismiss them as assholes, but they're just so damn endearing! Many of the servers seem to wander the floor in a constant state of nervousness. It is not unusual to see a server leave a table, then turn back around as if to say something, think better of it and sulk off. Sometimes you just want to hug them and say, It's okay. No, please! Take your time... no, no, I'm fine! I'll just sit here. Look, I've brought a book.

But not Saturday. No, not when I needed them to be. On Saturday my server was confident and quick, my food came out without a hitch and I was left wondering what I was going to do with all the time this had afforded me.

Thankfully, that didn't last too long. Before I paid my bill I ordered their sublime Taco Dip to go. Not a problem, would you like some more coffee? Sure! My coffee was brought out, my check left and then I was abandoned for ten lonely minutes. My coffee was not refilled, and my check sat abandoned. This was more like it. Paralysis had returned to Botch-A-Do. All was right with the world.

Note from Paige!

Okay, I gotta post re: the service at Botch-a-Do simply because it's so bizarre. I'd like to note that I went through a variety of names for the restaurant as is my wont--everything from Crotch-a-Do to Hotch-a-Don't--but Botch-a-Do really makes the most sense.We've had a few memorable service flubs there in the past, but there's one that will always hold a special place in my cynical heart.

We went to the Botch on a Sunday morning for our usual booze soak-up breakfast burritos and coffee. There used to be a waiter there who we always seemed to get (I don't think he's there anymore) who was especially befuddled. We would often go through a whole breakfast service without any scones or coffee refills, and once he approached the table to pick up the bill and greeted me with a "Oh, hi!" as if he hadn't just been my waiter for the past hour.

So on this particular occasion we were once again blessed with this waiter. Things seemed to be going okay; we got coffee refills and plenty of scones, and when he brought the food out it was unusually fast. However, he only brought out one breakfast burrito, which he delivered to Loki. "Anything else?" he asked.
"Um, my burrito?" I volunteered.
A look of confusion crossed his face, and he replied, "Oh, you ordered one too?"
With a sinking feeling, I said, "Um, yes."
"Oh, okay, no problem, sorry about that. I'll just run back and put your order in." He then flitted off toward the kitchen, leaving me alone with nothing to do but drink my coffee and watch Loki dig in to his deliciously overstuffed tortilla-bound package of breakfast awesomeness. Twenty minutes later, as Loki was downing the last of his eggs and potatoes smothered in pico de gallo, waiter-dude reappeared, sans Paige's burrito.
"Um, we...ran out of ingredients. But we're getting more, so it'll be just a little bit longer."
"Oh...o-kay," replied I. This was starting to get weird. Things got weirder still when the waiter returned after another ten minutes and gave the following classic Botch-a-Do apology:
"We, uh...we fucked up."
I was then offered a drink (I ordered the 2-for-1 mimosa special) and promised a free burrito as well as anything else I might like that day (I got a coffee to go). They covered their asses pretty well, and the burrito ended up being delicious as usual, but the whole experience was just really...well, befuddling, apparently for everyone involved.

Food

Loki's Take

Last week I mentioned that I had not had Comet's Breakfast Burrito in a while. Hotch-A-Do's Breakfast Burrito is the reason. Not only is the Hotch-A-Do Breakfast Burrito five times closer to my apartment, it's ten times better. With a hearty helping of peppers onions and potatoes inside, its heartier than its Comet cousin which seems like an egg wrapped in a tortilla in comparison. It comes topped with a few slices of avocado and some damn tasty chili sauce. You also get sour cream on the side and pico de gallo style salsa. It will fill you up, but won't make you feel like you swallowed the run-off from the fryers in the back. I honestly don't know how healthy it is for you, but it feels healthy and that's all I care about right now. For Brunch I would also recommend the "Prescription," i.e. the Hotch Hash. I could paste what the menu says is in it, but it doesn't really matter. It's a big ol' mess of awesome with cream cheese. It plops into your belly, soaks up all that left-over Saturday sickness and replaces it with a big grin.

As for their lunch items, the vegetarian sandwiches are quite good. You have the option of ordering a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, but I have no idea why you would. It's a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. The Veggie sandwich I mentioned previously is nice and gooey with mustard, mayo and guacamole squeezing out of its sides, all over your hands and into the beard that you need to trim. Besides the selection of custom vegetarian sandwiches, you can also get tofu on the Milwaukee Rachel (a Reuben with turkey... or tofu in this case), which is quite wonderful and equally messy. For some reason their sandwiches all seem to leave a great amount of residue on my hands and face. It's possible that I'm a slob... no I am a slob... but I honestly think the sandwiches are a bit difficult to handle. That's not a bad thing. They overflow with good stuff and I'm all for that. Best of all, the sandwiches don't even give you the option of French Fries. Instead you have your choice of a bunch of stuff I never get and a pretty darn good (though woefully tiny) pasta salad.

Special mention needs to be made about the Taco Dip. My hatred for French Fries is matched only by my love for Taco Dip. I love that stuff you get in the grocery store and have been known to eat a whole thing of it by myself. This Taco Dip, however, is something else. The menu is reticent about the details, but the base seems to favor garlic over taco seasoning, and the top seems to be made of shredded romaine lettuce, thinly shredded mild cheddar and diced tomatoes, all sprinkled with taco sauce. It's not often that I say this, but it is a refreshing taco dip.

Paige's Take

Like Loki, I've pretty much only had breakfast here, and I have to say that it's pretty good (when they get it right). As we've gushed before, the burritos are excellent; I'll sometimes also get the Eggs Benedict with tofu instead of Canadian bacon, which makes me feel marginally more healthy. The scones that come with breakfast are yummy, especially with the honey or fruit jam that are placed on each table. As far as lunch and dinner goes, I haven't yet been disappointed, although there isn't anything on the menu that I *love* with the same intensity as the breakfast burrito. The tofu "Rachel" is good, as is the veggie/cheese sandwich, and the side order of pasta salad is a nice change from greasy fries. Taco dip is very good...assuming they make it correctly (once they made it without taco sauce and with a light smear of cream cheese under the shredded lettuce. Once again...they'd run out of ingredients *sigh*).

Round Up
Booze: There is booze here, but we've never gotten particularly excited about it. At certain times throughout the day, they will have a two for one deal. This definitely encourages beer consumption, but their selection is merely good. You will find your old standbys here (Spotted Cow, Lakefront, Swiller), but you're not going to find some new exciting brew that sets your pants on fire. On weekends mimosas are 2-for-1 and they're usually pretty tasty.
Tattooed Waitstaff?: Marginally. Most of the heavily tattooed staff seems to stay in the kitchen; if the servers have tattoos it's mostly of the discreet and not very interesting variety.
Attractiveness of Waitstaff: 6.5/10 (There are some cuties in attendance, but they primarily make us feel old. Most employees have to at least be in their twenties, but at times it almost seems like the place is staffed by a suburban high school's drama department.)
People Watching Possibility: 6/10 (I don't know why, but the clientèle has never struck me as particularly interesting. It's mostly couples and small groups. It seems to attract a lot of grown-ups, too... but not creepy grown-ups so they're not really exciting. [There are also occasional douchebag infestations, but those are only interesting for so long. Like, a nanosecond. --Paige])
Veggie Friendly: Yes. Lots of options, and several vegan choices too.
Value for Money: Pretty good. Sandwiches are less than ten dollars and seem to be rather filling. The only complaint, really, is the Pizzas which can be ridiculously pricey.
Acceptable Schlepping Distance: I would say you could probably make a case for a special trip from across town, especially if you're a vegetarian or like to pretend to eat healthy. Regular attendance is probably constrained to walkers or people already hanging out in the area, though.


Overall Rating: 7.0/10

Comet Cafe

By Paige

Since Loki chose to start things off the wrong way by reviewing a chain, I decided to start things off right with an East Side institution: Comet Cafe. Several months ago when we were just joking back and forth about creating some sort of "grading rubric" for the various restaurants in the area, Loki noted that Comet would probably be at the top of the list, or at least a restaurant that others might aspire to become. You may have even recently seen it featured on "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" (AKA That Douchebag from the Food Network Shoves Diner Food Down his Gullet). So let's kick it off with the epitome of East Side Milwaukee hipster cuisine..."slow food" style.

Atmosphere

Comet's atmosphere is generally quite appealing: roomy booths, mural-covered walls, neon beer signs, and an old-school lunch counter greet patrons as they enter. Shiny espresso machines and coffee grinders cover the surfaces behind the counter; on the other side of the wall exists the bar area where the bartenders are kept busy shaking, stirring, and pouring libations. The overall atmosphere is warm and welcoming and things feel very laid-back and relaxed most of the time. The only real downside to Comet's layout is the fact that during busy times (particularly weekend brunch), there is nowhere to comfortably wait for a table. Patrons crowd around near the door or the sign-in sheet (on the lunch counter) and it's difficult not to feel like your butt is all up in someone's yogurt and granola parfait. During the occasional lovely day, people do have the option of milling outside the door. If you see this, be warned, you may have to wait a long time. Alternately, you can just shove your way to the counter which typically has a seat or two next to a sullen hipster. Be warned, however, if this is the path you choose, you'll probably end up with your coat balanced on your lap. The diner side only has stools, so there's no back to drape your ironic hoodie over.

One final thing, we have noticed, and no doubt will comment on extensively, is the fact that many Milwaukee eateries seem to have their soundtracks perpetually stuck on awful, featuring the most mind numbingly boring music you're likely to hear. Comet, however, does not have this problem. You'll usually find an appropriate mix of rockabilly, indie, and some good ol' rock and/or roll. Given the scummy diner feel of the place, and the scruffy but lovable appearance of the wait staff, you would expect nothing less. Or more.

Service

Service at Comet is pretty consistently good, unless it's very busy or there are a ton of people waiting for tables. On one occasion we were seated at the counter (a good option if you don't feel like waiting for a table, by the way) and it took almost 20 minutes for anyone to notice us and take our orders...and I think we barely got one refill on drinks. The waitstaff is as indie/emo/hipster as they come, all plastic frame glasses, side swept bangs, skinny ties, beards, and numerous visible tattoos on all areas of the arms and legs. There are a few people we've come to particularly enjoy at Comet, both for their adeptness at attending to our needs as well as their sheer desire not to be there. One particular fellow usually helps us when we're seated at the counter and while he's very attentive to our needs, often comes across as incredibly forlorn. Typically he seems to wander behind the counter in some sort of haze of ennui, his mouth slightly agape behind his bushy beard. He seems somewhat on the verge of crying and speaks in quite small letters. Do you, he mutters, know... what you want? We, being cynical a-holes, think it's hilarious. I believe we've dubbed him "Reluctant Guy."

Food

Paige's Take
Slow food, comfort food...whatever you want to call it, Comet's food is filling and usually just the right amount of greasy. Nearly anything can be made vegan or vegetarian, but if you're a carnivore you're in luck too--the chefs at Comet love them some bacon/bacon grease. The default side dish is hand cut French fries, which are good at first but after a few times eating them gets kind of old. I usually get a side salad instead (the ginger-wasabi dressing is really good) since the main dish has enough grease in it for me.

I've tried just about everything on the menu and most of it is good (the Leghorn sandwich and the artichoke melt are my favorites), although at this point a "successful" trip to Comet really depends on the daily specials for us, which can be hit or miss. We used to be all about going to Comet for weekend brunch; the breakfast burrito is enormous and really good, and the various egg/pancake/scramble dishes are equally filling, especially after being up late partying the night before. However, our brunch visits to Comet have decreased as of late due to the fact that the food is sometimes TOO heavy (especially after a late night of partying) and it's usually butts-to-nuts busy in there. Still, if you arrive early or late enough to beat the brunch rush, it's a good choice.

Loki's Take
I went over to Comet this past Sunday to refresh my memory on one of my old standbys: The Breakfast Burrito. This large hunk-a-hunk-a burrito love comes stuffed with eggs, cheese and pico de gallo. More importantly, though, it's topped with spicy sour cream and some damn good ranchero sauce. Once you shove the burrito into your maw, I highly recommend slopping the remaining sauce and sour cream all over the hash browns that come with it. I would often make the trip solo on lonely Sundays just to enjoy this cylinder of goodness, but, for whatever reason, I've forgone the trip for several months. So, just to give you as accurate of a report as possible, I took a hike over there and what I found was... well, just sort of okay.

This is perhaps the problem with Comet, at least for me, it's good and you'll find your favorites, but don't stick too close or you may just get burnt out. Thankfully, especially during dinner, they have enough of a variety to prevent this perfectly understandable problem from totally ruining the place. If you're a carnivore you double your choices as they can make pretty much anything vegetarian or vegan that isn't already. Even better, unlike some establishments, they go out of their way to varietize those vegetarian options. No Boca burger substitutes here, you'll get field roast, tempeh and all of those crazy vegetarian protein options that leave most meat eaters scratching their heads.

But let's talk about those specials for a moment. They run the gamut from seemingly adding a new condiment to a readily available sandwich to the most bizarre (and sometimes god awful) conglomerations of stuff that's ever come into contact with a plate in front of your face. Being adventurous/stupid I'll often pick up Comet's gauntlet no matter how fucked up it sounds (as long as it isn't so fucked up that it has animal parts in it). Some time ago they had a stack of pancakes with field roast in them... and motherfucking sauerkraut! Not only that, but they gave you some Thousand Island dressing to soak into it. It was disgusting... and awesome! That's the strange dichotomy of Comet. When the Food Network descended they pulled out all the stops and served an enormous burger served between two grilled cheese sandwiches. Did you just throw up in your mouth a little? Was it because that made you nauseous or was your stomach trying to make room in itself as quickly as possible? See, you don't know!

Comet exists in some strange alternate universe that we all half inhabit. Vegetarians swig beer and sit next to people that eat a whole basket of bacon. People swallow a huge tableau of grease with no regard for the concrete that is churning in their stomach. It is a place that only Milwaukee could love: apparently the vegetarians here are more existential than anywhere else. We don't not eat animals for any particular reason, we just don't eat animals. You've got a whole sow frying in the back, Comet? That's cool. Bring me my fried up field roast, I'm going to clog up my vegetarian veins with cholesterol.

Round Up

**Spinach and Artichoke Dip Review!**

Uh...I know we've had it here before but it was a while ago. I remember it being pretty good, but not that amazing, given the fact that we've never ordered it again. I'll give it a default 8/10. (If any of our readers would care to comment on the quality of the S&A dip, please do!)

Other Factors:

Booze: Yes! One of the best features of this place is their incredible (and often changing) beer selection. Not only do they have a great variety of craft and imported beer in bottles, but their drafts are often delicious and unusual (it's not just Miller Light here, ladies) and offer a great opportunity to try new things. The bloody marys are very tasty (and include bacon as well as a cute little Miller High Life shooter) but pricey--about $7 each. The "classic cocktails" ($3 on Tuesday nights!) are fun too--try a brandy old-fashioned or a Tom Collins alongside your tofu melt; Paige in particular enjoys these old man drinks.
Tattooed Waitstaff?: Duh (I'm not sure I've ever been able to find an employee here who doesn't have at least one visible tat)
Attractiveness of Waitstaff: 7/10 (They're not going to stop any traffic in New York, but these are the type of sassy servers that you want to get a strong beer with later. The women shift their weight to one side with a hand on the hip and say, don't fuck with me with a sly smile. The men are some rough and tumble scruff buckets with a sensitive side under their hipster exterior)
People Watching Possibility: 8/10 (Come for the hipsters; stay for the befuddled parents that were dragged in)
Veggie Friendly: Very... existentially.
Value for Money: Prices are, for the most part under ten bucks for an entrée and it's rare that you don't leave patting your burgeoning belly.
Acceptable Schlepping Distance: If you're off in the suburbs, Comet's probably worth driving into Milwaukee proper every once in a while because of their unique cuisine. Mostly, though, this best for those East Siders who wake up raccoon eyed and stumbly some velvet morning and need some good old slow food to sop up last night's adventures.

Overall Rating: 8/10

Red Robin Gourmet Burgers

By Loki

As is my wont, I will start things out inappropriately. Red Robin, being a chain, is not really a Milwaukee restaurant. Additionally Paige and I visited the Southridge branch of this particular establishment, so it isn’t even in the city proper. That’s okay, though; Red Robin will provide both a good warm up for my cynical lambastions and stand as a wonderful counterpoint to the many other fine Milwaukee establishments.

Atmosphere

I was not exactly jazzed about visiting Red Robin from the get go. I had needed to go out to the suburbs to close a forgotten bank account, and the vast suburban desert that surrounded me had me feeling somewhat agoraphobic. Red Robin’s location did nothing to quell my unease. Situated on the outskirts of the Southridge mall, it is placed in the middle of an enormous parking lot that frames the building as some sort of sad, brightly colored Xanadu. Its proximity to an Applebees only served to remind me of my last visit to that culinary wasteland. On that trip, I learned the hard way that Applebees does not take kindly to vegetarians: they seem to presume that we can subsist on potato wedges [I thought it was portobello mushrooms...--Paige]. More likely, of course, they just don’t give a shit. The fact that Red Robin describes its menu as "Gourmet Burgers" had me anticipating a repeated dearth of options. Paige, however, assured me that they had veggie burgers, so I relented. [Note: I've had some good experiences with eating at Red Robin in Madison, so I had relatively high hopes. Also, I was starving. --Paige]

As we entered I noted Red Robin’s vast barn like dining area. I also noted the presence of some mysterious monitors embedded in the floor under our feet. These seemed to signify the general motif of the interior decorator: busy and unnecessary. The walls are plastered with all manner of posters and photos, seemingly culled from a college poster sale: Movie posters, French alcohol advertisements, and cute and cuddly photos shared space in no apparent arrangement. Someone had set a pop culture bomb in the center of the restaurant and it splattered all over in the most boring way imaginable. Adding to that feeling was the incessant inoffensive suburban malaise seeping out of the house speakers. We were treated to the sounds of Sarah McLachlan, Taylor Swift, and, of all things, the Backstreet Boys.

Needless to say, I was not impressed. Nevertheless, I expected nothing less. In actuality, Red Robin seems like a slightly toned down TGIFridays, or an upscale, less racist Cracker Barrel.

Service

Apparently most of Red Robin's clientèle have never actually been to a restaurant. The wait staff's attention borders on the condescending and they seem to find it necessary to describe in detail the intricacies of ordering from their one page menu. We received instructions twice, once from the hostess and once, in completely identical fashion, from the server proper. Additionally the hostess seems incredibly interested in your Red Robin provenance. "Is this your first time at Red Robin," she asked cheerily. "I've been here before," Paige responded. I remained cautiously silent. My lack of response was apparently taken as a negative because she went into the aforementioned instructions: "Our burgers are here!" she said, "And our drinks are here!" This isn't an Ethiopian restaurant lady; I get it, you have burgers.

Just in case we missed it though, we were given the same spiel by our pockmarked waitress. I was now well versed in the complicated process of choosing a burger and a beverage and so, with minimal difficulty we ordered.

One thing I must say about the service at Red Robin, they love to help you. They want to be friends with you. They want to sit in your booth and hug you. They don't, but behind their eyes you can tell that they either hate themselves for their complicated and obnoxious front, or are tremendously sad people. As we waited for our food the hostess took people past us and asked the identical question we were greeted with. Apparently if everyone in the party has been to Red Robin before, the logical follow up is asking them about their favorite dish. This was met with a grumbled, "Teriyaki burger," or something equally non-committal. "OH! Well if you like that you'll really like the..." the hostess would offer. "Harrumph," the customer would respond.

Besides the vocal excitement of the wandering hostess, our waitress also popped around asking us how our food was, if we needed anything, a refill on those fries? As for the drinks, she just gave us refills. Oddly she didn't actually remove our glasses to do this, instead she just gave us fresh glasses. Consequently we had about six glasses of varying emptiness by the end of the meal. We also had feelings of varying emotional emptiness.

I'm a cynical bastard, I know, but I anticipate, nay expect, nay long for a certain amount of exasperation and annoyance from the wait staff. I know you hate your job. Jesus, I hate your job. A certain amount of snarkiness is healthy in server-client relationship. When it's missing from the server side, I have to fill it in myself, and that can get unpleasant.

Food

Loki's Take

One thing I will say, Red Robin does have veggie burgers. Actually, in terms of a national chain, they make it fairly easy for vegetarians. Any burger can be substituted with a Boca burger. This is the way it should be done at burger joints. I understand it's usually presumed that you can just swap out any old patty for the veggie patty, but making this evident on the menu is really a step in the right direction for vegetarian happiness. Otherwise, I scan through the menu, a frown slowly puckering on my face. I realize that every choice is chock full of meat save the lonely Garden Burger in the corner of the menu (or even worse, Portobello Sandwich). As such, the menu was my oyster, so to speak and I chose the Sante Fe Burger. "Something amazing happens," the menu says, "when you combine a juicy burger seasoned with ancho, fire-roasted Poblano pepper, guacamole, sauteed onions, crisp tortilla strips, lettuce, Pepper-Jack cheese and Chipotle mayo. Mucho flavor, mucho good!" Well let's not get ahead of ourselves. First of all you need to replace "juicy burger" with fairly dry and not particularly appetizing Boca burger. I know I just went on and on about how wonderful it is to have the option of a veggie burger at these places, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to go apeshit when you plop a heaping hunk of meat flavored soy on my bun. A Boca burger just means, "pay attention to everything else we've put on here because the burger is boring as hell." Thankfully the toppings themselves were reasonably appetizing. I have no idea how it would be with a grease dripping gristle cake in there instead of my soy patheticness, but I was satisfied. I would also like to note that the somewhat dubious inclusion of "crisp tortilla strips" actually worked out pretty well. They added some much needed texture to the Boca burger and all in all it was a pretty good sandwich.

Before I turn it over to Paige for her take on her food, something needs to be said about the much talked about "bottomless steak fries." In addition to their ubiquitous cheer, the wait staff was insistent about advertising this feature of their dining establishment. The only problem is, fundamentally, I fucking hate French Fries. They're mashed up starch fried in sadness. I don't care what you do to them, how much crap you season them with, they're still so much crunchy goo to me. I used to like them, I don't know what happened. All I can tell you is, every time a plate of fries is stuck in front of me, my face falls, my shoulders slump, and a great sigh is heard across the land. The only thing fries are good for is dipping in Ranch dressing, but then again my finger works just as well and it costs less [That's what she said?]. Red Robin's fries are not the worst thing in the world, they didn't make me as sad as some fries do, and since they're so huge you could soak a lot of Ranch into them. I do question the value of "bottomless steak fries" though. They start you out with about five, which seems small until you finish them and feel like you want to die. This is not an offer that you want to test the limits of.

Paige's Take

As previously noted, I have been to the Red Robin in Madison on a few occasions and have enjoyed myself. It should be said that it was one of the better choices in a sea of suburban chains (my friend lives out in yuppie-ville, and sadly, even State Street is becoming yuppified), particularly since it provided ample opportunities for my friends and I to discuss inappropriate topics in front of families and small children. I generally find their burgers pretty tasty, although some of their accompaniments, "bottomless" fries and "onion towers" among them, are a little nausea inducing. On the day Loki and I went to Red Robin we were in a bit of a hurry; we were meeting friends for a Lakefront Brewery Tour on the East Side and wanted to eat before we started drinking at 1pm, and I thought it would be a better idea to eat out in the suburbs and let it digest than wolf something down before drowning it in a gallon of Riverwest Stein.

I'm not a vegetarian (though I'm not a huge meat eater, either), but since it was hot and I knew I would be imbibing heavy beer in an hour I decided to go with the Boca burger as well. I got a simple cheeseburger (bleu cheese) that came with lettuce, onion, tomato, and a rather tasty pickle relish. The toppings were plentiful although as Loki mentioned the burger itself was nothing special (a Boca burger is a Boca burger, whether from a restaurant or from your freezer). I will say that the times I've actually gotten a hamburger (either beef or turkey) at Red Robin, they've been pretty good. I opted not to go for the fries since we were getting a spinach and artichoke appetizer (see review below) and requested a salad instead. The salad was pretty sad: bagged iceberg lettuce salad covered with the ubiquitous tortilla strips. I took about a bite and gave up on it. The unbidden soda refills were nice, although I felt a little guilty as the waitress delivered us two full glasses just as we were getting up to leave. I agree with basically everything Loki mentioned above re: service and atmosphere, although it was pretty much what I was expecting (even if I hadn't been to one of their franchises before).

Round Up

**Spinach and Artichoke Dip Review!**

We decided to give the spinach and artichoke dip a try, despite the fact that the menu provides the following helpful tip: "Instructions: “Place in center of table and dive in!” Although it also promises a "hint" of bacon, Loki figured he could suck it up and focus on the "creamy, cheesy blend of artichoke hearts and spinach" instead. The dip is served with celery, tortilla chips, and "house bread" on the side, and as we dug into the molten lava-like spinachy goo we discovered that there was more than a mere hint of bacon present; as Paige noted, "That's a full-fledged clue!" Still, it was fairly tasty and the tortilla chips (bits of which were to be discovered later on Loki's burger and in Paige's salad) were crisp and salty. It gets a 6.5/10.

Other Factors:

Booze: We refrained from boozing, but we were right across from the oddly placed bar cubbie. A cursory glance at the advertised drinks, with names like the Fruity Boozie Daiquiri and the Nuclear Ice Tea, makes us think that this is where moms go to get a little wild.
Tattooed Waitstaff?: No (or at least not visibly)
Attractiveness of Waitstaff: 2/10 (given the enormity of the dining area, however, it is entirely possible that an Adonis was hiding somewhere)
People Watching Possibility: 3/10 (everyone in the restaurant when we were there seemed about as excited to be there as we were, creating a vast vacuum of fun. During busier times, like dinner or after High School football games, there may be more entertainment)
Veggie Friendly: Yes
Value for Money: Well, at least we left full [but nine dollars for a burger seems a little steep... even if it is gourmet -- Loki]
Acceptable Schlepping Distance: About a half a mile. Basically if you're in the area and are hungry you could do worse. But you could probably do better.

Overall Rating: 4/10

If your unadventurous suburban parents are visiting, and they've rolled their eyes and sighed at the various ethnic restaurants you've suggested, you may just find yourself saying, "Fuck it! We're going to Red Robin!" And then you'll all sit in a booth and be vaguely dissatisfied but at least you'll be satiated.

Welcome (Again)!

This blog is the collaboration of two underpaid, undermotivated librarians living in and around the Milwaukee, WI area. Based on our love of eating and dislike for cooking (particularly weekend brunch!) we decided to chronicle our restaurant adventures and share them with you, our loyal readers. Besides the quality of food, overall reviews will include such factors as price, distance worth driving for, atmosphere, vegetarian friendliness, attractiveness of waitstaff, and more. Bon appetit!

Welcome!

And we don't know how to cook.

Welcome!

We like to eat.