Hotch-A-Do

by Loki Motive

Hotch-A-Do is a small café just off of North Avenue with a stupid name. I imagine it's a phonetic spelling of "How do you do?" but I've never met anyone who would think to say it like that.

Furthermore, I have a general distaste for naming your establishment a complete sentence. I resent being forced to integrate an independent clause into the question, "Would you like to go to...?" when a noun phrase would suffice. Unfortunately for me, I find myself saying "Would you like to go to Hotch-A-Do?" quite a bit. It doesn't matter how problematic the name is when the food they serve is this good. And, thankfully, it's a moot point anyway. Thanks to the pathetic service, Paige has done away with its annoying name, eternally dubbing it "Botch-A-Do" instead. Yet you still can't stay away? you ask. You bet.

Atmosphere

Hotch-A-Do sits nestled in between Cans douchebar and Sil's "alcohol sponge" donut Drive-Thru. Rather than integrating the drunken debauchery that surrounds it, though, it serves as nice little petite bourgeoisie respite. One wall of the establishment is taken up by three large pieces of modern art that seem to be made out of duct tape. But don't get the impression that this is some sort of Fuel-like tattooed hangout out. The atmosphere is much more akin to Beans and Barley, but even less inked. The decor is what is commonly referred to as "cute," though not overly so. Tiny pictures of pets in artsy craftsy frame dot the walls, and there's a comfy little couch corner that seems to simultaneously invite you to hang out with a cup of coffee thanks to its intimacy and discourage such activity thanks to it being sort of out of place. The only other item of hanging-out-with-a-group-of-friends is a rarely used shuffleboard table across the restaurant by the door. Since the couch nook and the shuffleboard exist at opposite ends of the restaurant, they seem to solely frame the establishment as a hanging out place. Most of the dining area is taken up with tables and booths that encourage you to sit down, eat and get the hell out of there. It's a small place and hanging out too long seems almost rude. The focus seems to be primarily on the eats. Hanging out takes place mostly in between you ordering and you getting food. Don't get the impression, however that the atmosphere is hurried as it is far from it. The aforementioned hanging out time is considerable thanks to Hotch-A-Do's... um... "unhurried" service.

Service

I went to Hotch-A-Do on Saturday all prepared to acquire a suitable anecdote to illustrate their Botchiness, but it appeared for a moment that I had been foiled. I ordered a Veggie sandwich and received it faster than I've received anything in my life. I hardly had time to open my book before my dish was brought out. It was as if it had been made before I even got there (a disturbing thought). Granted, the Veggie sandwich is not the most complicated meal: it simply consists of several different types of cheeses and condiments placed together in a appetizing harmony, but simplicity had not previously affected the speed with which I, or anyone I was aware of, received their food. Indeed, Hotch-A-Do has no qualms about taking their time. A sign near the entrance announces to customers that Hotch-A-Do's unique natural food takes some time to prepare and that patience is a virtue when it comes to quality. And they mean it. If you are planning a trip to the Botch, you should normally block out a significant amount of time. If you are going there with a large group you may wait upwards of a hour. Take a patience pill, this could get ugly. Normally Hotch-A-Do's service is akin to an autistic savant. They are good at one thing: food. They are problematic when it comes to social interactions. It's not that they're mean, they're just incompetent. Try to interact with them in a large group and you will probably overwhelm them. They'll most likely forget things and very well might shut down. The worst thing about the service, however, is how awfully pathetic it is. If the waitstaff was incompetent and rude, I could easily dismiss them as assholes, but they're just so damn endearing! Many of the servers seem to wander the floor in a constant state of nervousness. It is not unusual to see a server leave a table, then turn back around as if to say something, think better of it and sulk off. Sometimes you just want to hug them and say, It's okay. No, please! Take your time... no, no, I'm fine! I'll just sit here. Look, I've brought a book.

But not Saturday. No, not when I needed them to be. On Saturday my server was confident and quick, my food came out without a hitch and I was left wondering what I was going to do with all the time this had afforded me.

Thankfully, that didn't last too long. Before I paid my bill I ordered their sublime Taco Dip to go. Not a problem, would you like some more coffee? Sure! My coffee was brought out, my check left and then I was abandoned for ten lonely minutes. My coffee was not refilled, and my check sat abandoned. This was more like it. Paralysis had returned to Botch-A-Do. All was right with the world.

Note from Paige!

Okay, I gotta post re: the service at Botch-a-Do simply because it's so bizarre. I'd like to note that I went through a variety of names for the restaurant as is my wont--everything from Crotch-a-Do to Hotch-a-Don't--but Botch-a-Do really makes the most sense.We've had a few memorable service flubs there in the past, but there's one that will always hold a special place in my cynical heart.

We went to the Botch on a Sunday morning for our usual booze soak-up breakfast burritos and coffee. There used to be a waiter there who we always seemed to get (I don't think he's there anymore) who was especially befuddled. We would often go through a whole breakfast service without any scones or coffee refills, and once he approached the table to pick up the bill and greeted me with a "Oh, hi!" as if he hadn't just been my waiter for the past hour.

So on this particular occasion we were once again blessed with this waiter. Things seemed to be going okay; we got coffee refills and plenty of scones, and when he brought the food out it was unusually fast. However, he only brought out one breakfast burrito, which he delivered to Loki. "Anything else?" he asked.
"Um, my burrito?" I volunteered.
A look of confusion crossed his face, and he replied, "Oh, you ordered one too?"
With a sinking feeling, I said, "Um, yes."
"Oh, okay, no problem, sorry about that. I'll just run back and put your order in." He then flitted off toward the kitchen, leaving me alone with nothing to do but drink my coffee and watch Loki dig in to his deliciously overstuffed tortilla-bound package of breakfast awesomeness. Twenty minutes later, as Loki was downing the last of his eggs and potatoes smothered in pico de gallo, waiter-dude reappeared, sans Paige's burrito.
"Um, we...ran out of ingredients. But we're getting more, so it'll be just a little bit longer."
"Oh...o-kay," replied I. This was starting to get weird. Things got weirder still when the waiter returned after another ten minutes and gave the following classic Botch-a-Do apology:
"We, uh...we fucked up."
I was then offered a drink (I ordered the 2-for-1 mimosa special) and promised a free burrito as well as anything else I might like that day (I got a coffee to go). They covered their asses pretty well, and the burrito ended up being delicious as usual, but the whole experience was just really...well, befuddling, apparently for everyone involved.

Food

Loki's Take

Last week I mentioned that I had not had Comet's Breakfast Burrito in a while. Hotch-A-Do's Breakfast Burrito is the reason. Not only is the Hotch-A-Do Breakfast Burrito five times closer to my apartment, it's ten times better. With a hearty helping of peppers onions and potatoes inside, its heartier than its Comet cousin which seems like an egg wrapped in a tortilla in comparison. It comes topped with a few slices of avocado and some damn tasty chili sauce. You also get sour cream on the side and pico de gallo style salsa. It will fill you up, but won't make you feel like you swallowed the run-off from the fryers in the back. I honestly don't know how healthy it is for you, but it feels healthy and that's all I care about right now. For Brunch I would also recommend the "Prescription," i.e. the Hotch Hash. I could paste what the menu says is in it, but it doesn't really matter. It's a big ol' mess of awesome with cream cheese. It plops into your belly, soaks up all that left-over Saturday sickness and replaces it with a big grin.

As for their lunch items, the vegetarian sandwiches are quite good. You have the option of ordering a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, but I have no idea why you would. It's a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. The Veggie sandwich I mentioned previously is nice and gooey with mustard, mayo and guacamole squeezing out of its sides, all over your hands and into the beard that you need to trim. Besides the selection of custom vegetarian sandwiches, you can also get tofu on the Milwaukee Rachel (a Reuben with turkey... or tofu in this case), which is quite wonderful and equally messy. For some reason their sandwiches all seem to leave a great amount of residue on my hands and face. It's possible that I'm a slob... no I am a slob... but I honestly think the sandwiches are a bit difficult to handle. That's not a bad thing. They overflow with good stuff and I'm all for that. Best of all, the sandwiches don't even give you the option of French Fries. Instead you have your choice of a bunch of stuff I never get and a pretty darn good (though woefully tiny) pasta salad.

Special mention needs to be made about the Taco Dip. My hatred for French Fries is matched only by my love for Taco Dip. I love that stuff you get in the grocery store and have been known to eat a whole thing of it by myself. This Taco Dip, however, is something else. The menu is reticent about the details, but the base seems to favor garlic over taco seasoning, and the top seems to be made of shredded romaine lettuce, thinly shredded mild cheddar and diced tomatoes, all sprinkled with taco sauce. It's not often that I say this, but it is a refreshing taco dip.

Paige's Take

Like Loki, I've pretty much only had breakfast here, and I have to say that it's pretty good (when they get it right). As we've gushed before, the burritos are excellent; I'll sometimes also get the Eggs Benedict with tofu instead of Canadian bacon, which makes me feel marginally more healthy. The scones that come with breakfast are yummy, especially with the honey or fruit jam that are placed on each table. As far as lunch and dinner goes, I haven't yet been disappointed, although there isn't anything on the menu that I *love* with the same intensity as the breakfast burrito. The tofu "Rachel" is good, as is the veggie/cheese sandwich, and the side order of pasta salad is a nice change from greasy fries. Taco dip is very good...assuming they make it correctly (once they made it without taco sauce and with a light smear of cream cheese under the shredded lettuce. Once again...they'd run out of ingredients *sigh*).

Round Up
Booze: There is booze here, but we've never gotten particularly excited about it. At certain times throughout the day, they will have a two for one deal. This definitely encourages beer consumption, but their selection is merely good. You will find your old standbys here (Spotted Cow, Lakefront, Swiller), but you're not going to find some new exciting brew that sets your pants on fire. On weekends mimosas are 2-for-1 and they're usually pretty tasty.
Tattooed Waitstaff?: Marginally. Most of the heavily tattooed staff seems to stay in the kitchen; if the servers have tattoos it's mostly of the discreet and not very interesting variety.
Attractiveness of Waitstaff: 6.5/10 (There are some cuties in attendance, but they primarily make us feel old. Most employees have to at least be in their twenties, but at times it almost seems like the place is staffed by a suburban high school's drama department.)
People Watching Possibility: 6/10 (I don't know why, but the clientèle has never struck me as particularly interesting. It's mostly couples and small groups. It seems to attract a lot of grown-ups, too... but not creepy grown-ups so they're not really exciting. [There are also occasional douchebag infestations, but those are only interesting for so long. Like, a nanosecond. --Paige])
Veggie Friendly: Yes. Lots of options, and several vegan choices too.
Value for Money: Pretty good. Sandwiches are less than ten dollars and seem to be rather filling. The only complaint, really, is the Pizzas which can be ridiculously pricey.
Acceptable Schlepping Distance: I would say you could probably make a case for a special trip from across town, especially if you're a vegetarian or like to pretend to eat healthy. Regular attendance is probably constrained to walkers or people already hanging out in the area, though.


Overall Rating: 7.0/10